Notice

I notice so much more now that you are not here Mom. You taught us all so well. Through the roller coaster of grief, you are bringing me down, down to Earth and noticing it all. Life is a journey and unfortunately after you passed it certainly was painful and yes, now there are times I wish you were here, but smile knowing you are proud and happy as you are with us. Now, I appreciate everything so much more, the smell of laundry, taking the time to enjoy the melted butter on my gluten free bagel, smell of rain and traffic, yes traffic  because it’s a time of peace among chaos. More importantly,  I have given up and given into controlling the uncontrollable and controlling the only thing I can, my attitude and perspective.  As you would say, you are only hurting yourself by getting upset, make the choice and take the chance to make it better, do what you have to and don’t feel bad, but do what’s right.
I get it! Stop worrying. Sometimes, I do just stop and think of you and think to myself, one day, you had no idea you had cancer and the next your whole life changed when you heard the words you have cancer. It is what it is, as you would say, even though I thought you were just saying that to make us all feel better. You meant it. You lived it  You meant it, because you continued to go on; working, when your hair started to fall out, you wore your hat and smile well as you greeted clients who were just so happy to see you in your office. All the meanwhile, you had cancer! You had cancer, you had no time to worry about the copy machine jamming, traffic, pleasing anyone, but you had cancer and you did all you could, controlled the controllables; your attitude and perspective.  It is what it is, worrying and getting upset  will never  help or solve anything. Control the controllables.  People often tell me, you are a blessing, for that I am grateful. You were and are our blessing, your cancer and death were the worst and greatest  blessing, you were a blessing to many and your cancer journey and the way you lived it, I can truly say now was a blessing.  Thank you for teaching all of us to control the controllables; attitude and perspective and truly appreciate all we have because life can certainly change quickly. Thank you. 

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